I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
