Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
