Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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