I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
