I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Your penis caused this!
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
