I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize