Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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