when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
