Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
