i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
