i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
