why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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