I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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