i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
