1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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