My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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