my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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