Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
You've changed since you got that strap on
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize