I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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