My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
How external is "for external use only"?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
