How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
