In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
