Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
