I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
