The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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