Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
