Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
