Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
