I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
