Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
