No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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