I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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