my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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