Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can you bring me the toilet please
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
