I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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