everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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