god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
