i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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