He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
