Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
