When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
