Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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