dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
