A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
