I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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