you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
