Sober January is a disaster.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
