genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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