So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
