Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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