White coat. Heels.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
