Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
My bed smells like the plague
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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