We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize