Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Every concussion has its silver lining
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
