I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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