I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
