I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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