Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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