life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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