Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
