I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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