And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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