note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
