I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize