I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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