if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
This is the high leading the old right now
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
